Hella

I had to make a quick trip to the mall tonight to make an exchange. I bought two pair of dress pants earlier this week but they seemed to be unfashionably long. I also swapped some jeans for the same reason; I don’t know why I thought these pants originally fit because I tried each item on. I really don’t buy clothes very often.

Though both exchanges were both painless, the persons making them happen got me to thinking about different personality types in retail merchandising. Here’s my taxonomy.

Territorial Clerk
This person knows her sh*t. You wouldn’t be surprised to hear her recite SKU numbers off the top of her head, even for the latest merchandise. Don’t even try to tell her you bought something recently as she knows what season and year everything came out. Everything. Even items introduced six years ago. If you find yourself working alongside this type, do not question her bounty of knowledge lest you want to get sprayed with a jumbo-sized can of sale prices and catalog layouts. Find Miss Territorial Clerk if you need product selection help but avoid her at the exchange counter.

Crack Clerk
Quite a sight to behold, Crack Clerk is the fastest thing you’ve seen on a 10-key since you watched your mom do income tax back in the 70s. Crack Clerk can’t stand interruptions and is known to answer the phone and carry on conversations with other clerks and customers while running his register. Crack Clerk doesn’t make a good trainer and is irritated at the slightest mistake on the keys. Seek out Crack Clerk during the holiday season as his line will definitely move swiftly.

Discount Clerk
You all know about this one. Discount Clerk is working not for the experience, not for the paycheck, but for the savings she can garner on store merchandise. She is known for entry into the retail market near holidays and she’s only got one thing on her mind. Discount Clerk will hoard popular merchandise if she sees the supply dwindling for her favorite items. While she completely tries to cover up her intentions at the workplace, she cannot brag enough to her friends and family outside the shop. Discount Clerk’s product knowledge and general motivation are low. If she could be here only an hour a day and get her discount, she’d do it. You wish this one was a fly on the wall … and you had a flyswatter.

Work It Clerk
This type seems too good to be true. Work It Clerk has not only a broad and deep mastery of the product offerings in the store, he actually wants to help you. This guy has mastered the art of making you feel welcome to ask his assistance while simultaneously running a statistical model to estimate the commission that will result from your purchase. However, do not look upon his agenda as selfish for he really wants to be sure you like what you get … and that you get about 10 of it. If you’re having a “fat” day, find a Work It Clerk to critique your look in a new garment. He’s sure to find a comment that makes you feel good even in the most hideous rag. In short, this type knows how to Work It.

Transient Clerk
This is the “other” category of the taxonomy and the general catch-all for those who do not fit nicely into one of the above styles. Transient Clerk is on a temporary sabbitical from the real world, or in other words, probably has trouble finding other employment. People in this type are hardest to classify because they can be completely apathetic and unhelpful or dearly grasping to that which provides them with enough money to make the cover charge at the newest Lounge downtown. Whatever the case, be prepared for a box of chocolates because you never know what you’re going to get.

Anyhow, next time you stroll through the mall and into your favorite store, keep this checklist close and the clerks far. Analyze, identify, then attack, for you now have the upper hand to take control of your shopping experience.

Filed under: General